Does the thought of the next family gathering put knots in your stomach? If so, these practical suggestions are written just for you. Click here for more ...
CHANGE YOUR OWN THINKING
Lower your expectations
Forget
Norman Rockwell and Mayberry RFD. Every
family has its issues. There’s a reason
you don’t all live in the same house!
Don’t expect more from family gatherings than reality can deliver.
Assess the stage of the conflict and respond appropriately
Conflict
ranges in intensity to mild curiosity over differences, to heated disagreement,
to warfare that requires intervention by law enforcement. Adjust strategy to stage of conflict. (
·
At
mildest levels, keep an open mind.
Listen to what the other party is saying. Ask open ended questions to aid listening and
communication. Don’t be afraid of lively
conversation, so long as no one is getting their feelings hurt!
·
At
moderate levels, the jokes are not funny and there is pointed
disagreement. Use diversion, separation,
and deliberate use of third parties to inject some distraction and relief. Change the subject of conversation.
·
At
severe levels pay attention to personal safety and mental health. Do not engage or retaliate, but do remove
yourself from an unhealthy or unsafe situation.
Alcohol can increase potential for violence. Do not imbibe excessively, and watch out for
those who do. Stay with others as
there’s some safety in numbers.
APPLY PRINCIPLES FROM INTEREST BASED
NEGOTIATION
Separate people from the problem
Before
responding to any outlandish comment, take a moment to breathe deeply. Hit the “pause” button! After a bit, you may feel that the world will
not come to an end if you do not respond.
When expressing disagreement, do it in ways that do not attack the
person. Do this by using “I”
statements. For instance, instead of
saying, “That is a stupid idea,” (which attacks the person by calling them
stupid), say, “I’m having trouble seeing how that idea is feasible, could you
explain how it’s possible for a train engine to fly?” (Does not express your
judgment, but invites the other person to explore the basis for their own
beliefs further.) Change the topic of conversation. Assign a task to the problem person. Take charge of seating! Make place cards and literally put enemies at
opposite ends of the table.
Focus on interests, not positions
John Doe has
just made some outrageous statement. Rather
than take it at face value that the moon is made from cheese, try to understand
the motives, fears and needs that underlie his statement. Only if you are willing to listen and deepen
your relationship, try the use of open ended questions that deepen the
conversation. Examples: “this sounds
like it upsets you very much.” Or “tell
me more about that.” Then listen for
underlying needs and affirm your concern for those needs. Listening without judging or interrupting is
an art that is too often neglected in our society. It may surprise you when the real issue or
basis for the belief is totally different from the way that concern was
expressed at first.
Invent options for mutual gain
It is
perfectly acceptable to agree to disagree.
This enables both of you to enjoy the non-adversarial aspects of your
relationship. Talk about the weather and about the Dallas Cowboys. Suppose one
person believes in Obamacare and another is adamantly opposed to it. See if you can both agree that you both want
people to be healthy. Then, leave it at
that. Another tip is to team up ahead of
time with a buddy and mutually agree to “rescue” each other if one of you gets
cornered. Even choose a secret signal to
call for help. Make sure people have different spaces in which to congregate or
to get away from each other. Provide
escape routes both physically and with activities or crafts that provide
diversion. If you see someone being overwhelmed
by a challenging family member, rescue them by asking them to help with
something. Create activities with which
to engage the challenging family member. (“Will you please carve the ham?”) Taking a guest can sometimes cause family
keep their company manners, and also provide welcome diversion.
Insist on objective criteria
Don’t sweat
the small stuff! The objective truth is
that you only have to put up with your crazy relative for one day. Remind yourself of that! Take deep breaths and relax. Focus on something else rather than the
conflict. (“My, isn’t this wonderful
apple pie!”) At lower levels of conflict
or disagreement, it’s okay to ask for a person to clarify their statements by
asking open ended questions which get to the root of the person’s belief: “I’ve never heard that. What source did you use to find that fact?”
If conversation is friendly, deeper questions can help to clarify
misconceptions.
Know and exercise your BATNA (best alternative to
a negotiated agreement), if needed
In
negotiation, it is important for a party to balance what they are offered in
negotiation against what they would get through non-negotiated solutions. If the non-negotiated solution would be
better than the negotiated, that is the point at which you exercise your
BATNA. In family relationships, the
equivalent of the BATNA may be to know when you would feel more peaceful and
happier in the long run. Then, draw
limits (or choose what limits to draw) and place conditions on the visit. If the visit becomes unpleasant, find an
excuse to leave.
Holidays are
also a time that can lead to domestic violence.
Statistically, one woman in four will be a victim of domestic violence
at some time in her life. One in three
female homicide victims is killed at the hands of her partner. Threats of violence, especially accompanied
by a weapon, must be taken very seriously.
Contrary to popular notion, holidays are a time of increased
violence. If this is a situation that
might apply to you, develop a personal safety plan which would cover how you
would escape, where to, what you would take, and you could call for help.
BE A HEALER AND OPEN TO HEALING
Where there
is a gap to be bridged, choose to make the first move toward forgiveness or
understanding. When possible, give the
benefit of the doubt. Be willing to
acknowledge mistakes from the past and ask forgiveness (when appropriate). If the person retaliates, do not respond in
kind. But also, take care of
yourself. Sometimes, the most healing thing
to do is to walk away. If necessary,
give yourself permission to take care of yourself, by staying away or leaving
early.
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