100th Anniversary INTERNATIONAL WOMEN'S DAY

On January 21, 2017, the world saw a taste of the potential power women wield through nonviolent protest, a power that continues to be exerted as women come to realize the extent to which the agenda in Washington, D.C. does not reflect their interest.

This was not the first time women have instigated change through nonviolent revolt. In fact, this year is the 100th anniversary of the demonstration that brought down the Czarist Empire of Russia.

According to Wikipedia, "In 1917 demonstrations marking International Women's Day in Saint Petersburg on the last Thursday in February (which fell on March 8 on the Gregorian calendar) initiated the February Revolution.[2] Women in Saint Petersburg went on strike that day for "Bread and Peace" – demanding the end of World War I, an end to Russian food shortages, and the end of czarism.[4] Leon Trotsky wrote, "23 February (8th March) was International Woman's Day and meetings and actions were foreseen. But we did not imagine that this 'Women's Day' would inaugurate the revolution. Revolutionary actions were foreseen but without date. But in morning, despite the orders to the contrary, textile workers left their work in several factories and sent delegates to ask for support of the strike… which led to mass strike... all went out into the streets."[4]

For all the women who think that there's no longer a need for International Women's Day, I'd like you to consider something:  If an average woman and an average man with exactly the same skill started working at exactly the same job on January 1, 2016, the woman still, as of today, would not have been paid as much as the man had been paid as of the last day of December, 2016.  Nope.  In 2017, equal pay day is April 4, 2017.   

Now, consider the photo below:  That's what a woman did in her efforts to secure  YOUR right to vote. 

In my line of work, what we see is that abused women often lose custody of their children. (See https://www.leadershipcouncil.org/1/pas/dv.html ) 

 

On the positive side, women bring tremendous insight, value, and diverse approaches to governance and management. Countries and businesses that have more women in leadership DO BETTER than those without diversity.  (See  http://www.slate.com/blogs/xx_factor/2015/12/08/companies_with_women_on_their_boards_do_better_and_not_just_because_they.html ).    

My question for women and for the men who love them is, what will you do for the women who follow in YOUR footsteps?  International Women's Day gives you one day during the year to think just a bit about that. 

The Link Between Forgiveness and Peace

It is said that holding a grudge is like eating poison and then expecting the other person to die. As we all know from experience, it’s very easy to hold grudges. Yet, we know there are very damaging consequences to our entire being when we fail to forgive. There are mental consequences, emotional consequences, and physical consequences. 

Pray for Peace

Today, on the 20th day of Lent, I read from Pope John Paul’s speech on the occasion of the World Day of Peace, January 1, 2002: 

Santa, the Nativity, and ... What?

An Advent Message for 2010

(cross posted from my professional web site,

Just Mediation, LLC)

Of course Christ is the center of Christmas.  But, in fact, the season holds something for everyone who seeks a better world.   This is because,  no matter what a person's faith -- Muslim, Jew, Christian, Buddhist, Hindu, Daoist, Atheist, or something else  -- the Nativity gives each of us an opportunity to open our mind to the possibility of  miracles, including the  the miracle of peace.

By focusing our mind on the concrete reality of an historical, embodied fact, the Nativity of Christ invites us to imagine concrete ways an ordinary individual can seek the extraordinary --  even the miraculous – in the context of our ordinary lives.

The spirit of the Advent and Christmas season even invites us to take action that could make that imagined, and better, world become a reality.

An example of how the ordinary can become extraordinary lies in the legend of St. Nick.  Was he really just an ordinary guy who gave some gifts to some kids at Christmas?  Is he a magical elf who wears a red suit and lives at the North Pole?  Or, is he something else altogether?

This season, we at Just Mediation, LLC, know of a young child, age ten, who has begun to confirm their suspicions that the person who puts presents under the Christmas tree during the middle of the night on Christmas eve is not a person who arrives with reindeer and a red suit.

But does this realization, that the presents arrived in a different way than previously thought,  make the miracle of Santa any less of a miracle?

This little person has always been told that "Santa is someone who loves you very much."   Does the fact that Santa has a different permanent address than they previously imagined take away any at all from the joy and love of the Christmas spirit?

For many children, it does take away.  Most of us can remember with some sadness the first year we found out that Santa "wasn't real".  But, what if there were some way to hold on to that magical feeling about Santa?

In a sense, no matter what the physical facts, it can be said that “he who believes, receives”.   It is possible for Santa to remain very real, immortal, and miraculous.  How?  Because we make it so.   As adults with a more refined understanding of Santa, we can choose to redefine the way we view him.   Santa endures because he symbolizes, for all of us,  a spirit of giving, the magical power of love, and a wish for a world where all of our best childhood dreams come true.

We hope the child will come to understand that even if Santa doesn't squeeze down a chimney, there is still magic.  There are still secrets, there is still giving, and there is still joy in Christmas.    If the child can hold on to this sense of the reality of Santa, even while the child gains understanding of the “facts” of Santa, the child will have achieved a better understanding (indeed!) of the true magic of Christmas.

A true transformation of understanding will have occurred, and the child will have acquired a deeper and richer understanding of the meaning of the Christmas season.

The child’s transformation of understanding then becomes a lesson concerning love.   A new wisdom concerning the magic of Christmas will then be carried forward and continue to shape the way the child relates to others during the Christmas season.

Transformation of one's understanding of conflict, as applied through the style of conflict transformation employed by our mediators, works in a similar way.

The goal of the conflict consultants at Just Mediation, LLC, is not just to "solve" a problem by settling a case, allowing each mediator to get a “settlement star” on our achievement chart.   Rather, our goal is to transform your experience of conflict, literally, in a way that perhaps can be explained by the example of the child's transformed understanding at Christmas.

Our hope is that by assisting you in gaining insight to see your conflict in a new way, and in helping all parties to achieve a deeper understanding of the conflict itself, this insight may then open the door to new possibilities and new imaginings of how to resolve it.    It’s not always easy.  Old presumptions sometimes must be replaced with a new understanding.   There may be challenging issues, and old habits of  communication and distrust may need to be overcome.   Yet, with this new insight, sometimes the previously unimaginable becomes possible.

To characterize agreements reached through conflict transformation as the result of "compromise" is trite.   To call this "win win" is not always quite accurate.  But to call it a sound method for achieving a better result, that is quite accurate.

And sometimes, though not always, the results can be almost miraculous, offering participants an opportunity to transcend the “what has been” and achieve a better future.

As you contemplate the miracle of Christmas, we invite you to be open to the possibility of miracles everywhere.  Including the possibility that miracles sometimes can happen even in the ordinary, mundane world we inhabit in our daily lives.

Behold!  A mere babe in a manger.  Yet on another level, this Christmas season, be open to the idea that what is truly “real” may be altogether different from what is readily seen.

 

(Illustration of Tissot’s “Journey of the Magi” is courtesy of Wikimedia commons)

Are You In the “Silent Majority”?

If so, why are you silent?

It’s true, that silence sometimes is a good thing.  At the knee of my father, the epitome of a Southern gentleman, I learned to live by the rule that “discretion is the better part of valor.”  The origin of this English language idiom is the character Falstaff in Shakespeare's play Henry IV.  In Part I, Act 5, Scene 4 of that play, Falstaff pretends to be dead, in order to avoid being killed by a hostile enemy.   When nothing could possibly be gained from conflict, it may be best to avoid it.  A wise person knows when to speak up, and when to remain silent.  However, faking peace is not always the best way to meet our challenges or resolve our problems. 

Sometimes the urge to stifle conflict is a response driven purely by fear.  People who are deeply afraid of conflict may attempt to mute its expression without addressing any of the causes. Merely muzzling the expression of conflict doesn’t make it go away.  Instead of doing anything to address the cause of the problem, pretending that nothing is wrong can just make matters worse.  The cause of the conflict remains unchecked, leading to escalation of and worsening of division.  This is especially true in families, whether between spouses or siblings or parents and children.   Stifling the expression without addressing the cause leaves the splinter to fester deep within the wound, causing further irritation and even infection. 

A strong willed parent or a spouse in denial can pretend that nothing is wrong and by force of character maintain that facade.  The problem is that it’s a faked peace and not an authentic peace.  Putting a lid on a pressure cooker to keep the steam inside will enable one to maintain the appearance that there is no steam.  But eventually, the pressure inside the container may cause an explosion.  When that explosion comes in a relationship, there is often already deep damage, and then even more harm from the consequences of letting things go too far.  How much better it would be, to enable a healthy process for dealing with those troubling issues, for venting the steam before it reaches the tipping point that causes an explosion. 

The tipping point in a relationship may take the form of a divorce, a failed business partnership, or a family that ends up filing court papers.  Other times, the pain is less visible.  The tipping point may not be so obvious, but it shows up in families where one wounded member fails to attend family holidays together, quits returning phone calls, or simply is never heard from again.  To ignore the problem doesn’t make it go away, it delays and even worsens  the inevitable day of reckoning, a reckoning which always manifests as a loss of authentic relationship. 

The next time you are tempted to declare yourself to be “neutral” or you don’t want to take a stand, ask yourself “why”.  Sometimes discretion is the better part of valor.  Other times, it’s just a knee jerk reaction of fear and an excuse to avoid the inevitable.  Make sure you are not responding just because of fear, because of a knee jerk reaction that wants to put a lid on the pressure cooker, quickly.

How can one discern when conflict should be confronted rather than avoided?  Well, is there a deep conflict of values?   Are you having to stifle things that are very important to you just to “get along”?  Are you ignoring or having to overlook signs of deep sin or something that will cause great damage to you or a loved one, such as physical or emotional abuse, financial misdeeds, alcohol or drug dependence, or failure to nurture intimate relationships?   If so, being noncommittal now is not going to make it easier to confront that problem later.  Be wary of another enabler of evil, which is denial.  Are you making excuses, overlooking the obvious, having to hide things or explain away things that don’t make sense objectively? 

If so, a response is needed. 

I apologize that I am now going to take a scripture out of context.  But somehow this analogy of being “lukewarm” intrigues me.  We are taught that “moderation” is a good thing.  Not too much of this, not too much of that.  “Moderation” also implies that we don’t let things get out of control in our lives:  no drunkenness, no speeding, no sky diving, no screaming matches with our partner, right?  Those are all far too close to the edge, far too risky, nice people don’t do things like that.  Paul even says, “Be not drunk with wine.”  But there’s another view of moderation, expressed in Revelation Chapter 3.  Hear this: 

"To the angel of the church in Laodicea write:  These are the words of the Amen, the faithful and true witness, the ruler of God's creation. I know your deeds, that you are neither cold nor hot. I wish you were either one or the other!  So, because you are lukewarm—neither hot nor cold—I am about to spit you out of my mouth. You say, 'I am rich; I have acquired wealth and do not need a thing.' But you do not realize that you are wretched, pitiful, poor, blind and naked. I counsel you to buy from me gold refined in the fire, so you can become rich; and white clothes to wear, so you can cover your shameful nakedness; and salve to put on your eyes, so you can see. Those whom I love I rebuke and discipline. So be earnest, and repent. Here I am! I stand at the door and knock. If anyone hears my voice and opens the door, I will come in and eat with him, and he with me. To him who overcomes, I will give the right to sit with me on my throne, just as I overcame and sat down with my Father on his throne. He who has an ear, let him hear what the Spirit says to the churches." (Revelation 3:14 – 22)

Perhaps the lesson is this:  Discernment.  Should our response to conflict be hot, cold, or lukewarm?  Perhaps the answer is “it depends” and comes back to the reminder that, “Discretion is the better part of valor.”  Sometimes, in the interest of saving a relationship, we exercise discretion not to say hurtful things.  Sometimes, in caring for ourselves or others, we choose moderation in our thoughts, words, and deeds.  But “lukewarm” is not necessarily always a good or healthy response.  Sometimes, moderation is exactly opposite of the path we need to choose.  Sometimes in life, we must walk into the fire and let the challenges of life refine us, to burn away the impurities and damaging things in our relationships with others.  When we do successfully overcome the issues that caused conflict, to achieve authentic reconciliation, then how much sweeter is the true peace! 

This is where it is appropriate to speak of a concept called “conflict transformation”.  Some view peacemaking, or peace building, as a wimpy, cowardly response to conflict.  That’s because they equate peacemaking with a lukewarm response, the response of conflict avoidance or of walking away.  But this is not actually the way of peacemaking. 

The way of peacemaking is to walk through conflict, to confront it head on.  The difference between peace making and adversarial responses to conflict is that while peace making speaks truthfully to the conflict and its root causes (and thus confronts the causes head on), peace making also speaks and in a way that strengthens relationships and creates opportunities for positive response.  Peace making actually offers the hope of rebuilding and strengthening relationships.  It eschews violence because the peace making response seeks to address the conflict in a way that doesn’t harm the one confronted.  (A significant aim of peace-making activism is actually to convert the heart of one’s adversary, something Abraham Lincoln implicitly affirmed when he stated, “Am I not destroying my enemies, when I make friends of them?”) 

On the other hand,  harm and discomfort are two different things.  Sometimes conflict transformation can be a challenging process.  It also requires bravery to trust the process as well as to make one’s self vulnerable. 

Indeed, peacemaking is also not intuitive.  People are not born as peacemakers.   Our intuitive response is to engage in the screaming match, to pick up a stick and throw it, and then to throw up our own arms as a shield when a stick is thrown back in our own direction.  The opposite of this, peacemaking, is a skill that must be taught, nurtured, mentored and consciously developed.  If you would like to learn more about peacemaking and conflict transformation, if you would like to bring peacemaking to your family, to your church, to your workplace, please feel free to contact me for more and deeper information.  My web site for my professional practice of peacemaking and conflict transformation, is at http://www.xanskinner.com

How Does Your Church Manage Conflict?

Rare is the church that has no conflict at all.  The question is not whether your church has conflict, but how the leaders in your congregation deal with it. 

Sometimes church leaders have a strong urge to stifle conflict.  This is a response driven by fear.   The problem is that ignoring the conflict doesn’t make it go away.  To the contrary, pretending that nothing is wrong can make matters worse.  Stifling the expression without addressing the cause leaves the splinter to fester deep within the wound, causing further irritation and even infection.  Some refer to this as faking peace. 

The problem is that a faked peace is not an authentic peace.  The cause of the conflict remains unchecked, leading to escalation of and worsening of division.  Sooner or later, the facade of a faked peace will come falling down.  Denial of a problem merely delays (and even worsens) the inevitable day of reckoning. 

One of the worst examples of denial being reported at the present time appears to be the tragic lack of response of the Catholic church to allegations of child abuse.  The only point of bringing up this tragedy and failure of leadership is to point out that lack of response to the tragedy led to broadening and magnification of the problem, not to its going away. 

On the other hand, there’s the other extreme, of a congregation that squares off against one another, forming factions that fight, lobby for position, and wage personal attacks against one another.  Rather than faking the peace, call this breaking the peace. 

Peace breakers deal with conflict in negative and destructive ways that are all too familiar:  by engaging in name calling and trash talk, through polarization and staking out extreme positions, by failing to take responsibility, by blaming others, by failing to listen or communicate, by failing to consider reasonable proposals, by escalating conflict through adoption of extreme “winner take all” positions that leave no room for compromise.  The peace breakers marginalize others, let anger (including self-righteous indignation) govern their actions, take “I win, you lose” positions, and are callous to the effects of using verbal barbs which leave their opponents wounded on the battlefield of conflict. 

The peace breakers are the worst nightmare of the peace fakers.  The peace breakers take over churches like a motorcycle gang, revving their engines and wearing leather jackets that say “My way or the high way,” and causing the less adversarial members of the congregation to run for shelter in churches elsewhere that seem more welcoming. 

In a recent tiff within the Presbyterian Church in America (PCA denomination), a Pastor confronted a member of the governing board (an Elder) concerning comments by the Elder which the Pastor viewed as racist.  An article about the conflict, and the way the church dealt with it, appears HERE. 

The conflict was not dealt with perfectly.  There is no mention of any efforts at mediation or peacemaking, but there was an effort at a middle ground, which is to communicate, to acknowledge the conflict, and to deal with it in an appropriate manner.  The pastor confronted the Elder privately first and then publicly, and also began preaching sermons about racism.  The Elder, in retaliation, began lobbying for the congregation to fire the pastor from his position.  In a deeply divided and close vote, the congregation elected not to fire the pastor.  As the conflict escalated, there was some intervention by the ruling body of the denomination.  As a result, several families left the church, which is not an ideal situation.  Nevertheless, the conflict was addressed.  Now, the congregation has an opportunity to move forward and to heal from that conflict.  The article reports that the congregation is beginning to regroup and expand again, now that divisive issues and ideas have been addressed from the root. 

This conflict, and this report, is a reminder that sweeping negative issues under the rug is not always a good idea. But as the split in the PCA congregation illustrates, conflict that is escalated and dealt with in an adversarial manner will cause loss of congregants and deep wounds.  Is there a better way?

In a nutshell, yes.  The middle way is to “Make Peace”.  Peace making is not a skill that is particularly well taught in our society.  Just because someone has been selected to sit on a governing board does not mean they have good conflict resolution skills.   However, there are specific techniques and skills that can be taught during leadership development and utilized to help congregations address conflict constructively. 

Does your church’s leadership development program include training in conflict resolution skills?  Is your congregation equipped to address conflict in ways that uplift one another, that affirm the love that God has for each of God’s children, at the same time you work through conflict?  Is the gospel of peace and reconciliation not just part of  your weekly message, but is it part of your witness in how you live your congregational life?  If the answer is yes, great.  On the other hand, If this is not something your congregation or church leadership has given close attention to, consider seeking some training for your congregation in healthy leadership and conflict resolution skills.  

The potential for conflict exists in every congregation.  Conflict can be handled in positive or in negative ways.   Help your congregation develop skills in making peace.

Righteous Indignation, The Christian Believer, and Mediation

 

For Christians who are experiencing conflict with each other, mediation doesn't just offer hope for a settlement.  It can do more, offering a chance at authentic reconciliation. 

"The problem with that idea is," I was once told by an experienced lawyer, "when people are mad enough to sue each other, they just ain't feelin' very Christian!" 

Well, that's right.  The process of Bible-based, Christian reconciliation is pretty strong stuff.  Most likely, if you are in a dispute -- especially if you have been sued or are thinking of suing someone -- you ain't feeling very Christian right now.  This is not a blog post for the ordinary person.  It is only for a committed Believer.  If you don't fall in that category, why should you want to even consider Christian conciliation?  On the other hand, if you are a committed Believer, my question to you is, are you willing to try the Biblical way? 

For the Christian Believer, the first step in Christian reconciliation -- your first decision -- is to investigate the concept of Christian reconciliation and what makes it different from other forms of conflict resolution.  You are reading this.  That's a big step. Thanks for being here!  Now for the hard part ... the spiritual part.

The offer of hope for reconciliation doesn't mean that parties to a conflict are expected just act like nothing every happened.  Acting like everything is okay, when it's not really, is to "fake peace" rather than "make peace".  I'm afraid this is the sin I personally am most prone to. 

When I was a young child growing up, Sunday School was a place for hats and white gloves.  The appearance on Sunday morning was that everything was perfect: in order, perfectly coiffed, unruffled.  In real life, Christianity where the tire meets the road is a bit more messy than this.  In real life, there are days when one's hair is ruffled.  Indeed, in real life there are days when one's friend commits suicide, when one's spouse is diagnosed with a terminal illness, when one's boss gives a pink slip, when the bill collector is calling and there is no way to pay the bill.  So, nothing is perfect.  It's only when we acknowledge that -- when we acknowledge our own brokenness or the brokenness of our relationship with another person -- that we can begin to take positive steps to address the causes of that brokenness and to heal it.  

So, the first step is to acknowledge that things are not really okay. 

There's another, important part of our requirement to acknowledge when things are not okay.  We must be on the alert to whether we have done something that causes another person to not be okay:  Our natural inclination is to be "on the lookout" for times when someone has wronged us.  It's less natural, but just as important, for us to be aware of (and be sensitive to) ways in which we have offended others. 

The second step is to do our part.  If I have offended someone, it is my duty to make restitution.  These are subjects for a different day.

What I want to write about today is actually the part that comes next:  If I am the one who has been offended, the Bible commands me to forgive. 

This is something I've personally struggled with.  What does it mean to forgive?  What if it seems impossible?  What if the other person has not even acknowledged that they've done something wrong?  What if they haven't even acknowledged that they need forgiveness?  So, I'd like to dwell on this a bit. 

Authentic reconciliation requires more than just "saying sorry" and then acting as if nothing ever happened.  Nor does it mean that there are no consequences.  We can't change the past, we can only change the future.  I suggest that when a person seems focused on the past, it means they are not quite ready to move forward to forgiveness.  Do you find yourself focusing mentally on wrongs from the past, on how evil someone was?  Are you having trouble "letting bygones be bygones"?    

What reconciliation means, is that we are offered an opportunity to change that path.  We can't change the past, but we can deliberately change the shape of the way we move forward in the future.  Changing this path, adopting the path of reconciliation, is not easy.  But if we seize the opportunity for reconciliation, what we are seizing is an opportunity to move beyond the brokenness of a wounded world, to give and to experience forgiveness.  If we address conflict at its emotional root, by giving and accepting redemption and reconciliation, then the wound can heal.  This frees us to move on emotionally from a conflict.  When we move on emotionally, we are then freed to experience genuine peace.  

Imagine the experience of peace!   Breathe deeply, sigh, let go of tension.  Imagine a peace that passes all understanding.  Imagine the restfulness of that.  Does it sound too good to be true?  That's the vision. 

Perhaps all this "forgiveness" stuff sounds complicated and theoretical.  How do we put it into action?  What steps do we take to get there?  How can we capture that vision and make it reality?

I suggest that the first step is to pray.  Begin by praying about your conflict. 

Prayer opens doors to new ways of perceiving conflict

Read scripture.  Think on what it really means to "forgive ... as we have been forgiven".  (Matt 6:12)  Indeed, the entire possibility of reconciliation of one with another begins with God's ultimate gift to us of redemption and reconciliation with HIMSELF.  Jesus provides the model of what to do in response to sin. 

Wow, that's a tough one.  The Bible doesn't say for us to forgive if the other side meets us halfway.  Nope.  It's pretty straightforward: 

You have heard that it was said, 'Eye for eye, and tooth for tooth. But I tell you, Do not resist an evil person. If someone strikes you on the right cheek, turn to him the other also. And if someone wants to sue you and take your tunic, let him have your cloak as well. If someone forces you to go one mile, go with him two miles. Give to the one who asks you, and do not turn away from the one who wants to borrow from you.

Jesus had done nothing wrong, yet he just stood there and took it.  He was a man who, though blameless, willingly gave his life in order to reconcile God with Man.   We in turn -- who have been forgiven so much -- have an obligation to extend that same, sacrificial level of forgiveness to others.  As I said, this is a difficult thing to wrap our minds around.  It's not only hard to read about and to understand on an intellectual level.  It's even harder to apply in our own lives.  Nevertheless, through reading and understanding the principles, we can begin to believe in the possibility of forgiveness.  Now time for more prayer.  Take time to plow deep furrows in the field of our own willingness to be changed. 

Jesus as a model for how to respond to a wrong?  The guy allowed himself to be crucified for a crime he didn't commit!  Does this mean I have to be a martyr?!! 

Step three is simply this:  to give it time.  For right now, the idea of forgiveness may seem to be an impossible fantasy.  I think it's perfectly natural to feel as if a wrong is so evil that it can't be forgiven.  The easiest case to visualize is those few-and-far-between cases where a parent forgives the person on death row who murdered their child. 

Prayer invites the Holy Spirit to work miracles

"How," we ask, "could a parent actually forgive the person who murdered their child?"  It is only through a miraculous act of Grace.  And moreover, it is not my place to judge you for what you can or cannot forgive.  Who could judge someone if they feel they could not forgive their child's murderer?  I surely will not cast the first stone on that one!  All I can say is, the teachings of the Bible say what they say, and there is nothing easy about them.  If we are able to forgive, surely it is through the miraculous workings of God's grace.  So, that's why I say the first step is prayer.  And the second step is prayer.  And prayerful reading of scripture.  At least, that's the way it is with me. 

In terms of pursuing the activity of mediation, there's also the issue of, what if the other person is not willing to even talk or consider a mediation?  I recently was reading a statistic that of every ten cases referred to mediation, only five people are interested in mediating.  The other five just want to proceed to a lawsuit.  And then, of those five cases where the person is interested, only about 20% of the time is the other party also willing to mediate.  What does it take to bring the other side to the table?  Well, that is a discussion for another day.   The key for discussion here, today, is whether I have a duty to "go it alone" on this forgiveness thing even if the other side won't even come to the table.  And also, what exactly does that mean?  How can I forgive something if the other side doesn't even acknowledge he's done something wrong? 

I don't have the answers.  All I can say is that, one can have great faith, even in the face of grave doubt.  If you have doubt, you are also in good company.  One man who doubted, spoke candidly to Jesus about his doubt.  The man had approached Jesus and asked him to heal his son.  But he didn't say it just that way. Instead, what the man said to Jesus was put this way:  please heal my child "if you [Jesus] can". 

Jesus exclaimed to him, "If you can!?"   I can almost hear the outrage in his voice.  Jesus doesn't seem to have much patience for this man's doubt.  But he answered the man, "Everything is possible for him who believes!" 

The man replied, "I do believe; help me overcome my unbelief!" (Mark 9:23-24) 

Prayer opens doors to possibility

When we have doubt, the next step on the journey is to pray for God to help us overcoming our unbelief.  Perhaps, with God's help, forgiveness might be possible. 

Over time, with God helping our unbelief, we may find ourselves beginning to imagine a world where forgiveness might be possible not just in theory, somewhere else, but in this case.  Here.  Now. Me. 

How to pray about this? 

Well, first look at this picture, then put it aside and read on.  This is an exercise and I'll come back to the picture after "talking" some more: 

“Forgiveness is the final form of love.” Reinhold Niebuhr

 

 

Prayer enables us to imagine a better future

In your prayer journey, be imaginative.  Imagine what a world would look like, and feel like, in which you have forgiven.  Imagine a world in which you have peace, individually, whether or not the other person does.  Imagine a world where your children were free to be friends with the children of the person who had wronged you -- a world where even the kernel of bitterness was gone.  Is that a nice thought?  Perhaps it would take a miracle.  Imagine that miraculous grace. 

Now, suppose the person who wronged you is willing to talk.  If you are preparing for a mediation, ask yourself, "What exactly would it take for me to be open to the idea of forgiving this person?  What do I need to hear from this person -- or see them do -- that would remove obstacles to my forgiving them?"  Sometimes, it will be impossible to come to terms with another person.  But it sure makes forgiving easier when the other person meets us halfway.  Or maybe even all the way.  Gee, in my own life, sometimes even a baby step is a help. 

This is where the mediator can play a role.  The mediator can discuss issues with each person, together, separately, and can literally be a "go between" when things are just too hard to talk about.  The mediator can also provide some feedback, assessment, and other tools that just might shake the tree enough to help parties get beyond entrenched positions.  (See for example, Breaking Impasse in Mediation, HERE .) 

Bear in mind also, that this process -- discussion, communication, forgiveness -- does not mean either party is expected to become buddy buddy or to just kiss and make up and act as if there has never been a grievance.  Sometimes there are consequences of actions that cannot be undone. 

The mediator's role is to help parties reach a peace, a place where they feel right with each other and with God.  A place where the party can pray, honestly, "Forgive me my many debts, Lord, in the same manner as I have also forgiven the one who owes me."  What that means is a matter between the parties and God. 

On our own, this type of forgiveness might seem impossible.  But it is something God asks us to do, and therefore, it is not impossible.  As Christians we walk by faith and not by sight.  No matter who we are, or what we have done, or what may have been done to us, there is a path to forgiveness.  It may not be easy, but with time and prayer we can find it. 

Prayer illuminates the steps on the path to peace

It's also a path that goes two ways, back and forth.  In our prayer journey, each of us needs to also ask ourselves, "What do I need to ask this person to forgive me for?"  The path to peace involves not only bestowing forgiveness, but also acceptance of and appreciation of the gracious act of being forgiven.  Sorry, but it's a Biblical mandate:  "Confess your faults to one another, and pray for one another, that you may be healed."  (James 5:16).  Rarely is hurt purely one sided. 

Prayer heals wounds

Life wounds us.  We need healing.  Failure to forgive results in bitterness.  Bitterness festers.  It's as if a knife remained embedded in the wound.  No matter how many bandages we put on the wound, the wound will not heal until the knife of unforgiveness and bitterness has been removed.   Unfortunately, I'm afraid, many of us know people who have lived their lives this way.  Bitterness eats at them like a cancer and robs their days of joy. 

Luke 17:3-4 says, "Take heed to yourselves: If thy brother trespass against thee, rebuke him; and if he repent, forgive him.  And if he trespass against thee seven times in a day, and seven times in a day turn again to thee, saying, I repent; thou shalt forgive him." 

This requirement of forgiveness prohibits us from holding grudges; it prohibits us from even having bad feelings toward our fellows.  Matthew 5:21-24 says:

You have heard that it was said to the people long ago, 'Do not murder, and anyone who murders will be subject to judgment.' But I tell you that anyone who is angry with his brother will be subject to judgment. Again, anyone who says to his brother, 'Raca,' is answerable to the Sanhedrin. But anyone who says, 'You fool!' will be in danger of the fire of hell. Therefore, if you are offering your gift at the altar and there remember that your brother has something against you, leave your gift there in front of the altar. First go and be reconciled to your brother; then come and offer your gift.

Our society also seems to put great weight on the principle of "righteous indignation".  Sorry, but there's no such thing. Romans 3:10 says, "There is no one righteous, no, not one."  This cuts both ways.  It reinforces that your feelings are normal.  None of us are perfect.  As we also know from Romans 3:23, all have sinned and fall short of the Glory of God.  Yet also, this passages reminds us that there is no such thing as "righteous indignation".  We are all under an active obligation to forgive, as we have been forgiven. 

Prayer reminds us to have compassion

Still got indignation?  Pray about it.  If you're having trouble letting go of a wrong that someone has done to you, I suggest that over a period of time, you meditate for a few minutes per day over the following story, and how it might be applied in your own life: 

Therefore, the kingdom of heaven is like a king who wanted to settle accounts with his servants. As he began the settlement, a man who owed him ten thousand talents was brought to him. Since he was not able to pay, the master ordered that he and his wife and his children and all that he had be sold to repay the debt.The servant fell on his knees before him. 'Be patient with me,' he begged, 'and I will pay back everything.' The servant's master took pity on him, canceled the debt and let him go.But when that servant went out, he found one of his fellow servants who owed him a hundred denarii. He grabbed him and began to choke him. 'Pay back what you owe me!' he demanded. His fellow servant fell to his knees and begged him, 'Be patient with me, and I will pay you back.'  But he refused. Instead, he went off and had the man thrown into prison until he could pay the debt. When the other servants saw what had happened, they were greatly distressed and went and told their master everything that had happened. Then the master called the servant in. 'You wicked servant,' he said, 'I canceled all that debt of yours because you begged me to. Shouldn't you have had mercy on your fellow servant just as I had on you?' In anger his master turned him over to the jailers to be tortured, until he should pay back all he owed. This is how my heavenly Father will treat each of you unless you forgive your brother from your heart.

As this passage shows, what's really at stake is our reconciliation with God.  We are given a commandment to forgive "as" we forgive others.  This is incredibly difficult.  But ultimately, it also holds out the promise that we can achieve an authentic peace not just with each other, but with God. 

This brings me back to the picture I included above.  This is a famous drawing designed to illustrate the concept of "gestalt".  When we see it for the first time, we only see a group of random dots.  Over time, however, the picture changes.  Our mind brings order to the dots and we see a scene of something else.  This is similar to what I am suggesting prayer can do.  Applied over time, using scripture as a reference, prayer can actually change us in miraculous ways.  We begin to see things in ways we never would have thought possible.  We become able to do things we perhaps never would have thought possible.  We may even be able to relate to another person in a way that ... previously we never would have thought possible.  Perhaps, miraculously, we become able to forgive. 

I conclude with Colossians 3:12-17:

Therefore, as God's chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity.

Peace to you!

Biblical passages relating to Restorative Justice

Galatians 6:1-2 provides,

Brothers, if someone is caught in a sin, you who are spiritual should restore him gently. But watch yourself, or you also may be tempted. Carry each other’s burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ.

 

What does “restoring gently” mean?  Martin Luther interpreted thusly: 

If you see a brother despondent over a sin he has committed, run up to him, reach out your hand to him, comfort him with the Gospel and embrace him like a mother. When . . .  [a person] has been overtaken by a sin and is sorry . . . [h]e must be dealt with in the spirit of meekness and not in the spirit of severity. A repentant sinner is not to be given gall and vinegar to drink.

Luther also writes: 

The Law of Christ is the Law of love. Christ gave us no other law than this law of mutual love: "A new commandment I give unto you, That ye love one another." To love means to bear another's burdens. Christians must have strong shoulders to bear the burdens of their fellow Christians. . . . [W]e ought to overlook the shortcomings of others in accordance with the words, "Bear ye one another's burdens."  Those who fail to do so expose their lack of understanding of the law of Christ. Love, according to Paul, "believeth all things, hopeth all things, endureth all things."

Focus on Christian Mediation

The process of mediation is not faith based.  Mediation is a good tool for addressing most types of conflict.  For people who are Christians, however, scriptural principles in the New Testament have much to say not only about the value of settling disputes outside of court, but also about the spiritual ramifications that are inherent in how we respond to wrongs.  Because of these scriptural principles, Bible-based mediation can differ from secular mediation in several respects. 

First, a first key goal of Christian mediation is that the parties become genuinely, and authentically, reconciled to one another.  This is not just a matter of kissing and making up.  It is expected that this process will involve prayerful self examination, acknowledgment of and acceptance of responsibility for wrongful thoughts or actions, a commitment to genuine change, as well as a willingness to forgive and to be forgiven. 

A second key goal of Christian mediation is to follow the Biblical mandate not to take cases between Christians before the secular courts.  Bible based mediation therefore is usually structured so that parties first mediate, but they also enter into a binding agreement which provides that their dispute will be submitted to an arbitrator if they fail to agree through mediation.  The arbitrator is generally a person, chosen by agreement between the parties, who is respected as an expert in both secular law and in scriptural principles.  

A third aspect of Bible based conflict resolution is so rarely applied in modern times that is it virtually nonexistent.  Namely, expulsion (or excommunication) from the church.  This type of sanction can also take the form of some other order as well, such as mandatory alcohol or drug counseling. 

Parties interested in learning more can explore other topics on my blog, or contact me directly. 

 

* * *

And if thy brother sin against thee, go, show him his fault between thee and him alone:  if he hear thee, thou hast gained thy brother.  But if he hear thee not, take with thee one or two more, that at the mouth of two witnesses or three every word may be established.  And if he refuse to hear them, tell it unto the church:  and if he refust to thear the church also, let him be unto thee as the Gentile and the publican.  * * *  Then came Peter and said to him, Lord, how oft shall my brother sin against me, and I forgive him?  until seven tmes?  Jesus saith unto him, I ay not unto thee, Until seven times; but, Until seventy times seven. 

(Matt 5:15 - 21)

When one of you has a dispute with another believer, how dare you file a lawsuit and ask a secular court to decide the matter instead of taking it to other believers! Don't you realize that someday we believers will judge the world? And since you are going to judge the world, can't you decide even these little things among yourselves?  . . .  So you should surely be able to resolve ordinary disputes in this life. If you have legal disputes about such matters, why go to outside judges who are not respected by the church?  I am saying this to shame you. Isn't there anyone in all the church who is wise enough to decide these issues?  But instead, one believer sues another, right in front of unbelievers! Even to have such lawsuits with one another is a defeat for you. Why not just accept the injustice and leave it at that? Why not let yourselves be cheated? Instead, you yourselves are the ones who do wrong and cheat even your fellow believers.

(1 Corinthians 6)

 

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